So about a week ago, I was in the Halls of Reflection, getting my mage on. I was slappin’ bitches with arcane blasts and missile barrages, yelling “ALL YOU CAN EAT, BABY!” Everyone was impressed with my seemingly unnatural whoop-assedness, and I was pretty close to getting this one chick to send me pictures of her tits. But then everything froze.
My screen turned into a mixture of neon green and hot pink outlines. The program stopped working completely. I couldn’t tab out. I couldn’t bring up the desktop. I couldn’t even enter the task manager. Quickly, I picked up the phone, navigated to the contact “Gayfat” and hit the “Send” button. Nine rings later…
“You probably called the wrong n-”
“Dave, it’s John!”
“Oh. Hey. You ok? You sound panicked.”
“Dave, they’re back!”
“What? Who- calm down. You’re not making sense.”
“The shadow people, Dave. They got into my World of Warcraft and greenpinked the shit out of it. You have to get over here right away.”
There came a sound that was sort of like a subdued sigh, followed by five seconds of silence.
“Dave? You still there?”
“Yeah, yeah. Give me a second; I’m still trying to decipher what you just said. Ok, so you were playing World of Warcraft. That part I get. Then the shadow people came and… ‘greenpinked’ the game? Oh, wait, you mean the game graphics turned green and pink?”
“Yeah. They turned them that way. It was fine before. By the way, one chick almost sent me pictures of her tits. I need to get back in there as soon as possible, so bring something holy when you come over so we can-”
“Please stop talking for just a second. When that happened, did your game freeze up? Like you couldn’t do anything else? Not even get back to the desktop?”
My heart skipped a beat. I knew right then that he was on the sauce.
“Dave. What did you do to my computer?”
“I didn’t do anything to your computer. Your graphics card is burnt out.”
“You son of a bitch. Why the hell would you burn out my graphics card? Did they get to you Dave? Whatever they paid you, I’ll double it!”
“What? I didn’t do anything to your computer, and nobody paid me anything. Besides, you don’t have any money. Your graphics card just went bad and needs to be replaced. Turn off your tower and go to bed. I’ll be over in the morning, and we’ll use my credit card to get your tower fixed.”
“And how do I know I can trust you?”
“I’m hanging up the phone now, John. Go to bed.”
*Click*
I had a quick sixteen more beers and headed to bed.
—————————
“Wake up, shithead!”
My bed jarred from the foot of someone who must have been absolutely enormous. A man the mass of a thousand gay suns. I opened my eyes and jerked my body upright. Dave threw a shirt at me and told me to get out of bed.
“What time is it,” I asked, groggily.
“Four in the afternoon. I’ve been working on your tower since nine this morning. You left the damn thing on all night and it burnt out your processor and half of your motherboard, you dumbass.”
“Did you get all the shadow people out?”
Dave coyly sidestepped the question. I made a mental note to beat the information out of him later.
“I spent six hundred dollars replacing your components. But on the bright side, your computer was pretty old, so everything in there is now an upgrade.”
“Oh, awesome.” I pulled a notebook off of my milk crate nightstand and flipped through to the fifth page of the Dave section. “Ok, so I still owe you twenty-five cases of my homemade beer. Looks here like it’s just regular Johnbeer. What I’ll do is upgrade that to a full lager.” I put an asterisk beside the debt and wrote “Upgrade to Stinkhunch.” “God, that’ll take weeks. I hope you appreciate this.”
Dave stared at me for a few seconds as if waiting for me to say something else. I had no idea what he wanted.
“Yes. Yes, it most likely will. I’m going home now.”
As he walked away, I called after him, “Ok. Oh, hey, do you have like a cross or a Bible or something I can put in the bottom of the tower? Just in case they come back?”
My front door slammed.
So anyway, I guess the point is that I’m back online now. I’m on the Garrosh server if anyone plays. The battlegroup there sucks, but it’s a nice quiet server.
Otherwise, find Dave on:
Dave’s Articles at Cracked.com
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