This is John Cheese speaking. As you can see Dave asked me to sit in while he’s off having gay sex on the down low. And I am literally “sitting in.” Check it out, bitches:
Oh, yeah, this is Dave’s computer desk. And he ain’t even here. You can’t see the keyboard but if you could you’d also be seein’ my cock because it’s resting right on his space bar. BETTER WRITE IN SOME LONG FUCKING WORDS DAVE BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU’RE GONNA HAVE THE ESSENCE OF MY COCK ALL OVER YOUR THUMB.
Sorry about that, one of my balls hit the caps lock.
Since I’m here I guess I should address the “wildly false accusations that the book has caused harm to both people and property.” I think Dave’s afraid those stories will affect the sales or some shit. I don’t even know what to say about that. It seems like common sense to me that if the book is being a dick, you probably shouldn’t own it. I mean, if a book burned down my house I’d tell the book to go fuck itself and spin kick it until the cover flew off.
But you didn’t come here for any of that boring shit. You came for the music.
As all of you know, my band Three Arm Sally is nearing the completion of our latest album. Yes, we’re going by Three Arm Sally again. We had changed the name seven times in the last six years (we had been playing under The Sex Railguns up until last year) but after the book came out and referred to us as Three Arm Sally we were kind of forced to change it back to that because that’s the one everybody recognizes. Kind of sucks.
Anyway the CD artwork is done, and we’re working on the songs now. It’s turning out to be super badass. In Head’s kitchen studio, we ripped out the track “Gay Superman” today, and he busted a solo that vibrated a plate off of his sink. It broke all over his floor, and he was kind of pissed because he only has three plates, but it was totally worth it when we heard the playback.
We put the final touches on “U. S. A.nthem” yesterday. It’s an epic rock masterpiece that questions racism and makes you think about how wrong it is. When you hear it, it’ll make you so manly, your cock will actually grow four inches longer. You’ll think you’ve died and been resurrected as a black dude.
Because black guys have huge dongs. That’s what Dave tells me. And I believe him because he’s somewhat of an expert on dudejunk. I’m calling David gay.
As far as we know, we’re supposed to play Turd’s barn around New Years Eve, but that may change. His mom is supposed to go out of town, but if she decides to be a douchebag and stay home, that kind of kills our plans. The last time we partied at her house, someone shit in her cat’s litter box, and she was pretty pissed. It was funny as hell, though, because the loaf itself was bigger than the actual cat.
When the CD comes out, I’ll let you guys know so you can get a first shot at ordering. It won’t be in stores, so it’s a limited special edition CD that will be a huge collector’s item when we get famous. When it’s all set up and ready to go, I’ll give you an email address where you can order it.
Since we’re not a part of a major studio, the album will be burnt for you on my computer. You’ll just need to send me twenty dollars, a burnable CD, and five dollars for shipping and handling, and I’ll burn that bitch off for you and have Head mail it out.
And if you already own our album or for some reason you don’t like our music because you’re a huge gayhole, I can still burn you other CDs. For instance, if you’re a Whitesnake fan, I can burn you their greatest hits instead of our album. Or if you want to just pick out approximately 15 of your favorite songs from different artists, I can burn those, too. I don’t burn country, though. Or anything by Nickelback.
I guess that’s it. Will Dave be mad when he sees this? Probably. A man once told me that two best friends should be mad at each other at least 75% of the time. God that guy was an asshole.
As for Dave… let me tell you a story about Dave. Dave and I became friends because, by sheer coincidence, we both wound up with the same nickname in school: The Dick. Dave got that name because of his attitude, and the fact that basically any kind of kind word or compliment toward him would be met with a cold, hard stare until you finally walked away.
I got the nickname the first time they saw me in the shower. Kids can be really cruel and from that day on when they saw me coming it was always “The Dick” or “The Elephant Man” or “SuperDong.” In high school a member of the football team lost his keys down a storm drain and I walked by at that moment. They were all, “There’s John! Why don’t we just have him lower his dick down there and get them!” and they all started laughing and it really hurt inside. But then I did actually use my dick to fish out his keys and that day they realized even though we all have our differences we are all also valuable.
So Dave and I start hanging out and we start playing little pranks on each other. Like on April Fool’s day we would always plan ahead and pull some stunt. One year he smeared this smelly fish bait stuff inside my locker and it stunk for weeks. To get him back, the next year I had sex with every female in the school. Faculty included. It was on the news.
I can’t remember what the point of that story was but anyway it was awesome.
Man Dave gets some fucked-up email. What are these pics everybody is sending him?
Those are… sort of creepy. Keep them coming, I guess. Maybe work some titties in there. firstname.lastname@example.org.