Updates » December, 2008

David Wong is so fat

Monday, December 1st, 2008


This is John Cheese speaking. As you can see Dave asked me to sit in while he’s off having gay sex on the down low. And I am literally “sitting in.” Check it out, bitches:

Oh, yeah, this is Dave’s computer desk. And he ain’t even here. You can’t see the keyboard but if you could you’d also be seein’ my cock because it’s resting right on his space bar. BETTER WRITE IN SOME LONG FUCKING WORDS DAVE BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU’RE GONNA HAVE THE ESSENCE OF MY COCK ALL OVER YOUR THUMB.

Sorry about that, one of my balls hit the caps lock.

Since I’m here I guess I should address the “wildly false accusations that the book has caused harm to both people and property.” I think Dave’s afraid those stories will affect the sales or some shit. I don’t even know what to say about that. It seems like common sense to me that if the book is being a dick, you probably shouldn’t own it. I mean, if a book burned down my house I’d tell the book to go fuck itself and spin kick it until the cover flew off.

But you didn’t come here for any of that boring shit. You came for the music.

As all of you know, my band Three Arm Sally is nearing the completion of our latest album. Yes, we’re going by Three Arm Sally again. We had changed the name seven times in the last six years (we had been playing under The Sex Railguns up until last year) but after the book came out and referred to us as Three Arm Sally we were kind of forced to change it back to that because that’s the one everybody recognizes. Kind of sucks.

Anyway the CD artwork is done, and we’re working on the songs now. It’s turning out to be super badass. In Head’s kitchen studio, we ripped out the track “Gay Superman” today, and he busted a solo that vibrated a plate off of his sink. It broke all over his floor, and he was kind of pissed because he only has three plates, but it was totally worth it when we heard the playback.

We put the final touches on “U. S. A.nthem” yesterday. It’s an epic rock masterpiece that questions racism and makes you think about how wrong it is. When you hear it, it’ll make you so manly, your cock will actually grow four inches longer. You’ll think you’ve died and been resurrected as a black dude.

Because black guys have huge dongs. That’s what Dave tells me. And I believe him because he’s somewhat of an expert on dudejunk. I’m calling David gay.

As far as we know, we’re supposed to play Turd’s barn around New Years Eve, but that may change. His mom is supposed to go out of town, but if she decides to be a douchebag and stay home, that kind of kills our plans. The last time we partied at her house, someone shit in her cat’s litter box, and she was pretty pissed. It was funny as hell, though, because the loaf itself was bigger than the actual cat.

When the CD comes out, I’ll let you guys know so you can get a first shot at ordering. It won’t be in stores, so it’s a limited special edition CD that will be a huge collector’s item when we get famous. When it’s all set up and ready to go, I’ll give you an email address where you can order it.

Since we’re not a part of a major studio, the album will be burnt for you on my computer. You’ll just need to send me twenty dollars, a burnable CD, and five dollars for shipping and handling, and I’ll burn that bitch off for you and have Head mail it out.

And if you already own our album or for some reason you don’t like our music because you’re a huge gayhole, I can still burn you other CDs. For instance, if you’re a Whitesnake fan, I can burn you their greatest hits instead of our album. Or if you want to just pick out approximately 15 of your favorite songs from different artists, I can burn those, too. I don’t burn country, though. Or anything by Nickelback.

I guess that’s it. Will Dave be mad when he sees this? Probably. A man once told me that two best friends should be mad at each other at least 75% of the time. God that guy was an asshole.

As for Dave… let me tell you a story about Dave. Dave and I became friends because, by sheer coincidence, we both wound up with the same nickname in school: The Dick. Dave got that name because of his attitude, and the fact that basically any kind of kind word or compliment toward him would be met with a cold, hard stare until you finally walked away.

I got the nickname the first time they saw me in the shower. Kids can be really cruel and from that day on when they saw me coming it was always “The Dick” or “The Elephant Man” or “SuperDong.” In high school a member of the football team lost his keys down a storm drain and I walked by at that moment. They were all, “There’s John! Why don’t we just have him lower his dick down there and get them!” and they all started laughing and it really hurt inside. But then I did actually use my dick to fish out his keys and that day they realized even though we all have our differences we are all also valuable.

So Dave and I start hanging out and we start playing little pranks on each other. Like on April Fool’s day we would always plan ahead and pull some stunt. One year he smeared this smelly fish bait stuff inside my locker and it stunk for weeks. To get him back, the next year I had sex with every female in the school. Faculty included. It was on the news.

I can’t remember what the point of that story was but anyway it was awesome.

Man Dave gets some fucked-up email. What are these pics everybody is sending him?

Those are… sort of creepy. Keep them coming, I guess. Maybe work some titties in there. davidwong@johndiesattheend.com.

Order the book here.

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26 Responses to “David Wong is so fat”

  1. monoxx says:

    I want a fucking copy of that album. U.S.A.nthem’s lyrics are awesome.

  2. Launchbay07 says:

    Yeah really. I gots to gets me a copy of your CD.

  3. NowhereCatastrophe says:

    Now thats one resilient book, permuted press must have coated it in some kinda ectoplasmic adamantium before cursing loudly at it for a few days. oh yeah, where can i get a copy of TAS’s first album? i’ll gladly send cheese a lil paper for sommadat. and the new album, fuck it just send me a discography.

  4. Mongo says:

    The first letter of the first three lines of the fourth paragraph spell STD. Its probably a cock STD. And a gay STD.

  5. John of the Dead says:

    Man, I want to buy the SHIT out of that album!

  6. Yousomuscle says:

    Hey, John, you sure do love to talk about your massive cock-hose. You think that’s because Dave is SO GAY???


  7. ChoiceUnintended says:

    A few things….1. Is that the turkey lamp that was supposed to have been broken in your battle with that bug thing that got Frankie? Cuz it looks a tad un-broken. I could also be remembering incorrectly, but that would be on account of the marijuana. So if I’m wrong, please don’t laugh. And 2. That Mike Tyson picture is absolutely horrifying. Seriously, I’m gonna have nightmares tonight, I can’t get the image out of my brain…

  8. ChoiceUnintended says:

    I also just noticed that there’s something creepy on that lady’s shoulder in the first pic…and the chic in the second pic only has 4 fingers. That’s still not as disturbing as Mike Tyson. Dude, I think I’m fucked up for life now…I’m gonna be telling stories about it at work. Don’t you wish you could like un-see things?

    I like hyphenated words. Even the non-really ones.

  9. ukena3824 says:

    Ohhhh mannn. I told my friend this was the most amazing book ever and she was completely oblivious to what it was. Over Thanksgiving weekend I began to read it to her… the next day she got to where she was obnoxiously puking and pooping ALL DAY LONG. And all night, in her sleep. Am I say the book had something to do with it? No, I’m going to be logical. I think it was too much cake. But!! When I got to the part about Three Arm Sally is was clearly her favorite part. She thought those lyrics were genius.. and bizarre. Next day I log on and see this! Guess I’m having better luck than that one guy in one of your last posts who claimed whenever he read this book someone died. o_O… or something.

  10. Dawn says:

    Man, there is nothing better than an insane Cheese dick rant. That made me laugh so hard I forgot my lamp was on when I woke up. I turned that fucker off before I went to sleep.

    House of Leaves – awesome book. So I hear, anyway, from the guy who read it and who made me watch him read it.

    I won’t even pretend to understand the significance of blue green black red.

  11. Cownose says:

    Holy Shit. Yes! Cheese is at the helm! He’s like Bono for the undead. The book can’t get us now.

  12. saintchristopher says:

    Have you guys ever heard of a book called “House of Leaves”? It’s real good, and didn’t even remotely make me stay up consecutive nights reading it while slowly convincing me that my own body was trying to kill me. Not even close…

    …keep all your doors open.

  13. Lord Turtle says:

    John, what are you trying to pull here you sonovabitch? I clicked the lyrics to “Gay Superman” to see if it would blow up because my monitor has shitty resolution, and it links me to this weird ass picture of a dude in a suit beating a clown with a briefcase, only to colors were reversed. I went into paint with it, reversed the colors, and now it looks like a picture of a desiccated tombstone of someone named “Wang Long”. I reversed it again and now it’s a normal color image of a burnt out house. How the hell’d you do that?

  14. Vohn_exel says:

    The six seals are coming for us! I know that is spelt correctly but everytime I see it, I see a bunch of marine life headed to destroy the world.

    Whoever made that poster put too much artistic thought into it though…

  15. Doctor Zoidberg says:


  16. dave i read ur book and now korroks possessed my computer hahahaha

    i logged on to it 2day and found a bunch of stuf had downloded w/o me tellin it to

    also i think heath ledger is a shadowman u and john might wanna check that out

  17. John of the Dead says:

    John Cheese, do you think it would be alright if I sold some bootleg ‘Three Arm Sally’ t-shirts that I made?

    I need the money to fuel my heroin addiction, but ill give you and the band extra t-shirts for free and a cheeseburger…

  18. Miss Teak says:

    That guy with the red jacket and the rubber gloves… what the fuck is he holding? And where can I get some?

  19. Redwalker says:

    They are called Sea Pigs, you find them on the abyssal plain.

  20. Swash says:

    Korrok is a palindrome for evil!
    I want to know about the nearby lead that John drove to. What happened?

  21. GTW says:

    Somehow I figured David was a C. S. Lewis fan.

  22. Reply to this comment. says:

    Hurry up and update! It’s not fair, I have to live in england and wait an extra day.

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  25. Kerghan says:

    You saw a man in a suit pummeling a clown with a briefcase, and I saw a measly burnt down house!? Lucky…

  26. IceTsuki says:

    John, tell me where to send the money, the cd, and whatever else you want. Just throw me an email or something. I MUST have that cd, the covers on youtube just aren’t sexy enough without you.

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