In the beginning…
Friday, October 31st, 2008
Everything you need to know about the universe, you can learn from this picture of Captain Kirk holding a rock shaped like a boner.
That picture is a tunnel your mind can climb through. What’s at the other end? No man has gotten that far with his sanity intact.
My name is David Wong, by the way. Hi.
I wrote a book. It’s kind of a big deal, I guess. They’re turning it into a movie. It’s a book about the supernatural that contains the word “bratwurst” 17 times.
It was called John Dies at the End and it first appeared online a few years ago. Word of mouth turned it into the stuff of minor internet legend. Later we printed up 5,000 copies, but don’t bother looking for them, they were sucked off the shelves pretty quickly.
Some copies pop up on ebay here and there going for fairly outrageous sums. Don’t pay it, it’ll be back not too many months from now.
Oh, and the book may have killed a dude. More on that in a moment.
Testing. Testing. Can you read this? No? Good.
But back to Captain Kirk and his cock-shaped stalagtite. It’s not really shaped like a cock, of course, your mind just projects cock onto a random formation of mineral deposits. Understanding why will change the way you look at the universe.
For instance, let’s look at this “ghost” photo somebody sent. You write a book like mine, you get lots and lots of stuff like this in your inbox.
As an expert in these matters, I think this is pretty solid evidence that this person’s edition of Photoshop was haunted by a stock photo from a Halloween costume catalogue.
This is John, abusing my webmaster powers
Retarded? Yes. But is it any moreso than all of the other ghost photos in the world, all of which portray some translucent woman in a gown or a dude wearing old-timey clothes, aimlessly wandering the halls of a library?
Also, I am drunk.
If, hypothetically, your soul or life force or whatever had the ability to live on and wander around haunting shit after you’ve died, why the hell would it wear clothes? Who chooses what outfit you have to wear for eternity? Is it whatever you were wearing when you died? Why aren’t there more ghosts wearing hospital gowns?
No, they appear as we think they should appear. The ghosts are just more cock-shaped stalagtites.
Now, let’s take it further, right to the top. Here’s a portrait of God from the Sistine Chapel ceiling.
Why does God need eyelids?
And why did he give Adam such a tiny dick?
Can God get dust in His eyes? Does God need to block the sunlight from his pupils? You know, the sunlight that didn’t exist until He invented it? Now I’m not saying there’s no God. I’m just saying he doesn’t have fucking eyelids.
We put those on Him.
It’s obvious, but important. Because once you recognize it you can apply it to everything. And I mean everything. We perceive all of existence through the same blurry goggles that put an oversized cock in Captain Kirk’s hands up there. We are built to stare into the unfathomable darkness, and project onto it a shape we can understand.
This whole thing is Dave’s roundabout pitch for Scientology.
Stories and legends and myths aren’t made up by people who want to dress up boring everyday life with their imaginations. They’re created to do the opposite, using imagination to dress up the unimaginable. It’s like wallpapering a window.
To hide the horror outside.
Here’s a great example. This is an old warehouse South of town. You can’t really make it out from this picture, but people around town claim they can see a face in the ivy, a pattern formed by the yellowing leaves.
Of course it’s just their imagination, but beyond the supposed “face” we have some amazing things, including photosynthesis and the miracle of life itself. Behind it, an 80 year-old building with a rich history (it was once a factory that made small electric motors for dildos).
A booming business during WW2.
So there are amazing things at play there, many beyond the bounds of your imagination. It doesn’t reduce the wonder of the universe even one iota to know that, upon closer examination, the ivy shows nothing more than the random yellowing of the leaves.
So, about that dude my book supposedly killed.
I got this email:
dear david: my brother [name withheld] was your biggest fan he bought your book the day it came out! he used to walk around quoting it all the time he would say “THE SHADOWS ARE HUNGRY! FOR BRATWURST! LET’S GET SOME SOY SAUCE!” then he’d laugh until everyone else left the room.
he was always the quiet type he liked to read and didnt talk much. he used to write poetry and he liked to work with children (I’ve attached his picture below) anyway he’s dead nowhe said the book turned on him that he read it one too many times and said that there are words between the words or maybe he said there are worms between the words anyway he said he was going to get rid of the book and that he was going to burn it
my aunt found him the next day his trailer had burned to the ground and I think he tried to burn the book and burned down the house instead they found the book and it was completely unburnt
so Im not saying its your fault but he might haunt you so i wanted you to know. Im sure hes not the type because he was a man of peace and didnt bother anybody but still hes probably pretty madrip [name withheld]
Man, I don’t even know where to start with that. My book was and will be sold in the fiction section of the book store. Yes, I understand that it’s told in the first person, and that the main character is named “David Wong” and that “David Wong” is also on the cover, as if it’s some kind of autobiography.
And yes, I understand that some documents have turned up online, which if real, would be hugely illegal.
Paste this into your browser: http://johndiesattheend.com/new/photos/johnghost1.jpg
And, yes, some of the Amazon reviewers were claiming their copy of the book oozed blood or baby shit.
They were speaking metaphorically, Dave.
Well I want to devote this space to clearing up some of the ugly rumors over the next few months, and to look a little deeper into the truth behind them. The book is getting a worldwide re-release next year, and it’s pretty important to me that people aren’t out there claiming it’s going to be some kind of seventh sign of the apocalypse. I think that would cause a lot of chains to refuse to carry it.
Want to be informed when that happens? Sign up to our Google group below. It’s free and takes like five seconds.
|Subscribe to John Dies at the End|
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Or, you can keep up with the latest news over at the JDatE MySpace.
Or, you can talk to me and other fans at the JDatE message boards over at Cracked.com).
In the mean time, I’ve left the comments open. What I’d like is for those of you who own a copy or have read the book online to assure everyone else that in fact no harm came to you and the book was not possessed in any way.
If you wish to complain or inquire about the fact that the book itself is no longer available for free online, please read this first.
I am nude.
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