Updates » March, 2009

The Dick Sniper

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

Wow, these weeks go by fast. So much going on, so much I can’t tell you about.

Instead how about I relay a conversation, in the format of terrible web comic:

Some of you recognize that as the old controversial comic I and some others ran called The Adventures of John and Dave, from 2005-2007. It was a very dark period in my life and as time went on and my friends contributed episodes, you could see we went through a very unsettling emotional journey together.

If you want to relive this grotesque tapestry of a few dozen haunted souls, I’ve uploaded every episode to this site.

Otherwise, I got the manuscript of the novel in to review copy edits, got to get on that. Hmmm… otherwise I think that’s it…

Oh, wait. I guess I should address that thing about all of the people claiming my book has some kind of dark magical powers to poison their mind and blacken every area they inhabit with an ominous cloud of supernatural dread. I mentioned it in previous updates.

It turns out it was all a big misunderstanding. Kind of funny, actually.

You may remember little Billy who had the talent of doing really shitty drawings of the future. And you may remember that in one of them…

…he drew a small, owl-like figure that John and I immediately recognized as the evil demigod Molech:

For the uninitiated, Molech cults demand child sacrifice and skeletons of infants can be found scattered around their ancient worship sites.

Well some Googling reveals that Molech worship continues to this very day, and infiltrates all level of power in the western world.

You were probably wondering why there is a microscopic owl in the corner of your dollar bill…

…and this is why.

So we’re going to apply Occam’s Razor here, and simply follow a logical chain of facts to get us to the truth:

1. The world is secretly run by demonic owl-worshippers;

2. They are amoral and nearly all-powerful;

3. This secret New World Order conspired to make hemp illegal as a favor to the fat cats in the wood pulp industry, since hemp can be made into paper far more efficiently than wood pulp.

4. Pages of JDatE can be rolled and smoked for hallucinogenic side effects.

5. There are concerns in the industry that once JDatE is re-released this fall, the print run will outstrip the supply of trees the wood pulp industry can provide, requiring that hemp be legalized simply to meet paper demand.

6. This cannot be allowed, as The New Owl-Worshipping World Order also made weed illegal because they knew it would bring peace to the world, and that works against their plans for world domination. A population high on marijuana could not be subdued by any army.

7. Thus the Child-Sacrificing New World Owl-Worshipping Order is simply trying to stop the release of the book by killing, maiming and destroying the minds of everyone who currenlty owns a copy, using their grotesque secret methods.

I hope that puts this whole silly thing to rest, and we can get on with our lives.

Speaking of paper…

That leviathan is the copy-edited JDatE manuscript, ten pounds of paper and a pound of red ink. Order that bitch here.

To keep you occupied between updates, I’ve set up a Twitter feed.

And of course you’ve got The Adventures of John and Dave.

Want to be informed when the update comes? Sign up to our Google group below. It’s free and takes like five seconds.

Subscribe to John Dies at the End
Email:
Visit this group

There’s also an RSS feed at the bottom of the page down there. Or, you can keep up with the latest news over at the JDatE MySpace.

Or, you can talk to me and other fans at the JDatE message boards over at Cracked.com. There’s hundred and hundreds of posts picking these updates apart word by word.

Previous EntryStart From The BeginningNext Entry




« John and Dave and the Temple of X’al’naa”thuthuthu | This is John Speaking »

9 Responses to “The Dick Sniper”

  1. Lord Turtle says:

    Y’know, I read every single episode of AoJaD, and I can honestly say it is an abomination unto mankind, so mind searingly horrendous that it actually melted my eyes into rank pools of vitriol. I say that simply so that you have a better idea of what you release upon the world.

  2. Messianic says:

    The little yellow creature in the picture looked pretty familiar to me too, but I couldn’t place it. Being a childish drawing, I thought I’d ask my little girl, Alice. She laughed and said in her Daddy’s-being-silly voice: “He’s not a Moloch, he’s called-”

    She didn’t finish because her mother called her away to finish sticking macaroni on her drawing for school. But I knew what had happened. The owl cult is in the schools, indoctrinating them everyday, why else would she deny what she had seen? They must have got to my wife too.

    So when I get to the bottom of this bottle of liquor, there’s only one thing left for me to do.

  3. JackieChun says:

    Sniper no sniping

  4. Bnakao says:

    Holy Shit!!!

    I saw a few of these comics before. But I never got even close to knowing the TRUTH!!!

    John and Dave….ARE ACTUALLY THE SAME PERSON!!! I know! Unbelivable right? I though so. I needed to see it to believe it: http://www.johndiesattheend.com/AoJaD/20051104.shtml

  5. Floop says:

    I lold at DDR/DSU mat on the floor behind manuscript. I’d kick your arse on DSU!!!

  6. vlyd says:

    Please, please, please, I’m begging you to sell me a copy of your book, its my wedding anniversary and according to my husband all I ever buy him “is a load of crap” he’s mentioned your book a ton of times but I always pretend I’m not listening…it would freak the shit out of him if he got this for our anniversary in a few weeks. I have a paypal account and I’m not above begging!!!!!!!!!!! Please email me at vlyd2006@gmail.com. If you can help out I’d absolutely be more grateful than you could no. I’ll pay through paypal, and If I had any talents I’d throw something extra in….I knitted a scarf last year that turned out pretty good, just tell me what your favourite colour is and I swear to go I’ll have the scarf knitted and sent to you in no time. Don’t say no right away, please think about it!!!!!!

  7. [...] Previous Entry – Start From The Beginning – Next Entry [...]

  8. [...] Previous Entry – Start From The Beginning – Next Entry [...]

  9. SamHarrington says:

    Dude, the yellow thing on the corner of the drawing is not moloch, it’s just a cartoon character called pickachoo froom a cartoon series called pokemon. Ask arownd it’s pretty popular.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.